Stop trying to change your partner – Pt 1

By fbrowne

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Only God can change someone. If you try to change your partner you’ll constantly be frustrated because you are not God and only God can change someone.

Much of the struggle in our relationship because we feel powerless and inadequate, unworthy, unlovable or incapable of getting everything we need to make ourselves happy and fulfilled. This chronic pain of inadequacy exists in the background as we go about our lives, we are unknowingly driven to find ways to divert our attention from the pain.

To divert attention from the pain we judge our partners and find great fault with their lives than with our own. This allows us a temporary reprieve from the less pleasant habit of judging ourselves.

When we judge our partners as wrong, flawed, or defective, we get to feel superior to them. When we put them down and belittle them we feel superior to them. As long as our focus is on their flaws, we have less time to bother with our own.

Strangely we see in our partners those faults we also possess ourselves. It is the proverbial ‘first take the beam out of your own eye before you see the speck in the eye of someone else. We judge our spouse so that we do not have to invest time in moving our lives forward.

The problem that faces us when we judge is that we come from an egotistical perspective of what we think is right without fully understanding the history, painful childhood decisions about their own imperfections, and to the ways, they have decided it is necessary to act to survive. We judge base on how we would act differently based on our prior experiences and what we consider to be the best way. We completely discount how their experiences and perceptions may have resulted in their saying or doing something so much in conflict with how we would have acted.

By judging our partners, we forfeit the empathy required to see the situation from their perspective. We do it because it feels good. Judging gives us the sensation of knowing more than they do and of being wiser and better. It provides us with a false sense of power and as a result, allows us to temporarily forget about our own inadequacies and struggles. By judging them, we distance ourselves from the qualities we loathe about our partners. While doing so, we lose sight of the fact that we too possess those qualities. If we did not, we would not be drawn to recognize them in them with such a degree of anger, sadness, or fear. When we judge them of being arrogant, our own arrogance increases. When we see our partners as ignorant, we ignore our own ignorance being manifest. We get swept away in the lie that only they are capable of possessing such undesirable traits to such a great degree. By doing so, we dominate them in our minds and tell ourselves that we are wiser, more evolved, more powerful than they are.

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