Stop trying to change your partner – Pt 2

By fbrowne

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This is the second part of the 3 part series… read Part 1 here.

The problem with this perspective is that it keeps us separate from them and damages our relationship. When we judge our partner, we relinquish our ability to learn from their experiences. As long as we refuse to see in ourselves the same qualities that we detest in them, we will attract those qualities into our lives. Our attitudes have us put forth an energy that brings these traits to our awareness. The more we can’t stand when our partner is controlling, the more they show up that way. When we have no room for stupidity, we find ourselves frustrated by a partner we hold as clueless. To the extent that we can’t make room for their humanity to show, we become obligated to suffer through our own shortcomings and emotional reactions.


By judging, we forfeit our ability to connect with our partner. We sacrifice intimacy and mutuality by placing ourselves on a higher level than them. As a result, our relationship and ability to influence a partner who we hold as flawed suffers further. We give up our ability to understand how we might impact them to see or do things differently. Because we trade this authentic personal power for the false sense that we are more powerful than they are by virtue of being better than they are, we become less and less likely to influence them to act differently as time goes on. So, the chasm between you and your partner will likely grow wider. When this happens, you will lose personal power rather than gain it.


The more you judge, the greater the pain you will feel in your life. To distract you from this pain, you will then condemn your partner even more. You may want desperately to connect on a deeper, more intimate level with them but your superior attitude and destructive actions make such a connection impossible. A vicious circle of increasing pain, isolation, unhappiness, and ineffectiveness is thus created. This costs you your happiness, your physical and mental health (all illnesses are an outward manifestation of our internal state), the quality of your relationship, and your ability to impact your relationship for the better.

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